A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar,..
so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered beer and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her...
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $1000
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment,
he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she...
George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So after begging his old lady...
There was a loser who couldn't get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because...
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies.
"It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering...
Joke Title: How Old Am I?
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says,
"Bartender, this crap is...
Two Irishman, Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.
Mick says to Paddy,
"I can't be bothered to walk all that way."
"I know," says Paddy,
"but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home."
"We could steal a bus from the depot," Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in...
A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.
Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering.
The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator.
He drops it on the floor, drops his...
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said:
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides,...
she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said:
"I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any...
Two police officers saw an old woman staggering out a local bar,
stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink,...
and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.
They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.
As they drove through the...
This guy walks into a quiet bar.
He is carrying three ducks.
One in each hand and one under his left arm.
He places them on the bar.
He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
They...
A young lady went to a dance and she had a low-cut strapless gown on.
Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain.
All night she noticed a young man staring at her.
In her embarrassment she held up the airplane and said,..
"Oh you like my airplane huh?"
*
*
*
*
*
The young man smiled mischievously.
"No ma'am... I was just admiring...
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
"Barman", he says,
"A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."
As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile.
Surprisingly the Jew nods...
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They go back to his place,
and as he shows her around his apartment,
she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor.
Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf...
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water...
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says,
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised,...
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,
"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says,
"A state-of-the-art watch?...
A man walks into a watering hole with a large box and takes a seat at the bar.
The bartender, curious, asks, "What's in the box?"
The man says, "I'll show you if you get me a free beer."
So the bartender gets the man a beer.
The man drinks it, then pulls out a minuscule little man and a matching piano.
The little...
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
The bartender...
"I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me,
grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig."
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says,
menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says,
"I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is...
At a bar, Archie approaches Zoe, a pretty girl drinking by herself.
He tries to make conversation, offers to buy her a drink, when suddenly she yells,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"
Everyone in the bar stops and stares.
Completely embarrassed, Archie slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, Zoe walks over to him...
An Irishman walks into a bar in London, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it," the bartender tells him, "and it would...
A husband and wife were walking down a high street when the wife spots a beautiful diamond necklace in a jewelry store window.
She urges her husband to go inside so that she can take a look at it.
Although she wants it, he simply doesn’t have to buy it for her, but he promises that it’ll be hers one day.
A...
Three drunken guys entered a taxi after a heavy night of drinking.
Immediately realizing that the men were inebriated, he quickly thought up a plan to get rid of them.
He started the engine, turned it off again and said: "We have reached your destination".
"Alright pal, here you go," said the first guy as he gave him the money.
The second guy...
A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a str*p club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his...
A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress.
Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him.
They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally, the girl turns to him and says,
"Look, you seem like a really...
