I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs." I...
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit,
She instructed her son Little Johnny to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After Little Johnny had called,
he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that...
A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.
"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?
"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How...
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little "tea set" as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought...
Joke Title: Doll
A man comes home with his little daughter,
whom he has just taken to work.
The little girl asks,
"I saw you in your office with your secretary.
Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains,
"Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl.
She types like you wouldn't believe,
she knows the computer system and...
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said,
"I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the...
This is Awesome, One smart father goes to his son.
Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"
Next - Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But...
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street,...
When a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I'll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,"...
Said the driver.
"No way! Get lost!"
Replied the boy.
"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?"
The driver asked.
"I said no way,"
Replied the boy again.
"What about...
A sixteen year-old teenager boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche,
And his parents began to yell and scream,...
"Where did you get that truck?!"
He calmly told them,
"I bought it today."
"With what money?"
Demanded his parents.
They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy,
"This one cost me just fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder.
"Who would sell a...
A couple had been married for over 50 years and had many children and grandchildren.
One day, the eldest son calls his father for a normal chat and his father starts musing.
"You know son, after 50 years, I'm not really in love with your mother any more,...
I'm thinking of getting a divorce and leaving her."
The son is absolutely shocked and...
One day Jack's dad bought a robot.
The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Jack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him,
"Son why are you late from school?".
Jack answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and...
A little girl asked her father:
"How did the human race appear?"
The father answered:
"God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered:
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her father and said:
"Dad, how is...
There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling.
Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name.
Ling decided to give him a lift there.
When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.
Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name.
He sends...
Joke Title: A to Z...!!
An airplane is flying over the United States at night.
The pilot says:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggage must be thrown out."
A little later, the pilot says:
"We're still losing altitude, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin".
The plane continues its descent despite more things being thrown out.
Pilot:...
Joke Title: Cough It Up
A dad walks into a market with his young son.
The kid is holding One money coin.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a Tea...
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager,
"How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes...
Joke Title: Origin
A little girl asked her mother:
How did the human race appear?
The mother answered:
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."
Two days later she asks her father the same question.
The father answered:
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed."
The confused girl returns to her mother and...
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting...
Dad: People this is unacceptable.
You have to limit the use of the phone.
I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mom: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.
Son: Me too, I never use...
Joke Title: Pa Won't Like It
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy,
"Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us.
I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,
"but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw...
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says,
"My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."
The second boy says,
"That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says,
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"I...
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him,...
"Daddy what's sex?"
Her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.
He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erection, wet-dreams...
and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on...
Little Johnny was playing in his room,...
when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.
"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.
"Well, son" he explained,
"Your mother and I are no longer in love."
Now more confused, Little Johnny asked,
"What does being in love mean?"
"Let me give you an example, son.
Love is when a husband...
A richie rich Sheikh's son goes to Germany for study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:
"Dear Father,
Berlin is wonderful,
people are nice and I really like it here,
but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes,
when I see all my teachers travel by train.
Your loving Son"
*
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*
Sometime later he gets a letter from...
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.
A nurse goes up to the first guy and says,
"Congratulations! You're the father of twins."
"That's odd," answers the man.
"I work for the Minnesota Twins."
A nurse says to the second guy,
"Congratulations! You're the father of of triplets."
"That's weird," answers the second man.
"I work for the 3M company."
A...
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no...
There once was a farmer whose wife had died and left him with three beautiful teenage daughters.
Every weekend, when they went out on dates,
the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun,
making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them.
Another Saturday night came around.
At about 7pm., there was a knock on the door.
He answered and...
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory,
and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought,
"this should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said:
"Son, this is the heart of the...
