Wednesday, March 27, 2019
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"... The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do" The next day...
A guy and his wife went to an expensive golf course. He said to his wife, "Be careful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window." His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house. He said, "Oh no! We had better go ask how much it's...
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer." the father says. "We're...
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail...
A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant, so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow. 'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises. Time...
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, saw his wife and growled: "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after...
A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word," answered St. Peter....
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you...
A husband and wife were walking down a high street when the wife spots a beautiful diamond necklace in a jewelry store window. She urges her husband to go inside so that she can take a look at it. Although she wants it, he simply doesn’t have to buy it for her, but he promises that it’ll be hers one day. A...
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded, and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated...
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost. "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even...
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When...
A man is talking to the family doctor "Doc, I think my wife is going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell...
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight." As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening. His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to...
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes...
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
This is the funny story of a couple of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when the wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. Husband opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked,...
A man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were...
A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a str*p club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his...
An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate...
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I...
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I...
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful....
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he...
Best Dirty Joke Of The Day: Bad Woman & Her Daytime Affair
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window, It's...
Hilarious Joke: A Good Bar Joke That Always Makes Women Laugh
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water...
Hilarious Non Veg Joke: The 11th Husband And Virgin Wife
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be possible, if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to...