A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no...
There once was a farmer whose wife had died and left him with three beautiful teenage daughters.
Every weekend, when they went out on dates,
the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun,
making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them.
Another Saturday night came around.
At about 7pm., there was a knock on the door.
He answered and...
Four friends were so confident that the weekend before final exams, they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends up there.
However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to college until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final exam then, exhausted and unprepared, they decided to wait until...
In a court trial in a small town in Nebraska, the prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand.
He walked up to her and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know who I am?"
She answered, "Of course I know who you are, Mr. Rawley.
I've known you since you were a little boy, and honestly, you're a disappointment.
You...
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.
The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"
"$2,000," the assistant replies.
The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.
"This parrot is a very special one," the assistant explains.
"He...
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the...
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,
"I'm sorry, Ma'am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am...
Dear Granddaughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I...
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
"It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really...
A millionaire businessman is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test.
He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new...
After 37 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in his and his wife's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were better than his wife's, he prevailed.
He gave his now ex-wife just three days to move out.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,...
A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.
When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that...
Three construction workers on the seventy-fifth floor of an unfinished building take a break for lunch.
The dark-haired man opens his lunchbox to find a pasta meal, and says,
"Man, if I get pasta one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The redhead opens his lunchbox to find salad and says,
"Man, if I...
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water...
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer was quite taken aback, and requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground...
A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says,
"You have been a good cat all of these years.
Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says,
"Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more."
And...
Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broken, and if you don't fix it the food will go bad," Kate said.
Paul yelled back, "Who do I look like, the PG&E man?...
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial.
"Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?" he asked.
"No sir," the policeman responded, "but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away."
"Officer, who provided this description?"
"The officer who responded to the scene."
"A fellow officer provided the description of this...
Adam, a very good looking successful man decided that it was his birthright to marry only a perfect and equally beautiful woman so that they would produce equally beautiful offspring.
To achieve his goal, Adam went out to explore the world and look for the woman who would meet his high standards and with whom he could spend the rest...
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am,...
A man walks into a watering hole with a large box and takes a seat at the bar.
The bartender, curious, asks, "What's in the box?"
The man says, "I'll show you if you get me a free beer."
So the bartender gets the man a beer.
The man drinks it, then pulls out a minuscule little man and a matching piano.
The little...
A dumb blonde named Barbara walks into the police department looking for a job.
The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders a desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks,
"What's 2+2?"
"Ummm… 4!" Barbara says.
Dang, the officer thinks,...
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do," the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered...
A mother is invited by her son, for dinner.
He lives in a college hostel, with a female roommate, Tina.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between her son and his roommate than...
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back...
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter...
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not...
