Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee.
It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.
Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup.
It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.
“Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia?
I’ve heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.”
“Don’t worry, it won’t happen to you.
If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only.”
Patient: “It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone’s mouth.”
Dentist: “I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.”
In safe hands
Patient: Doctor I heard 10 percent of the total patients undergoing this surgery die.
Doctor: Don’t worry man, those 10 percent patients operated by me are already dead.
Now it’s the turn of the 90 percent survivors.
Tit for tat
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings,
“Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”
We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
In a hurry
A man asks a farmer near a field,
“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it?
You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says,
“Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket.
Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops.
After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa.
He turns to her half asleep:
“Oh, you’re home, darling. I’m afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit.”
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow.
When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
Kind old woman
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.
First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asks:
“Please granny, don’t bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.”.
The granny answers: “You know, I don’t have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them.”
What is dangerous?
Sneezing while having diarrhea!
An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit.
When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled –
“So where’s your igloo?” –
The friend replies
“Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
At an interview:
“In the beginning, you’ll be earning 20000, later on it can go up to 40000.”
“OK, I’ll come again later then.”
What’s the difference between, BOOM! Aaaaargh! And Aaaaaargh! BOOM!?
The difference is whether you’re falling from the 1st or the 10th floor.
I have a very good feeling about my job interview today.
The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible. –
“You’ve found your man,” I responded,
“Whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.
“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.
“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.
“Are you pulling my leg or something?!” says the police officer,
“Who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
The man sighs, “My wife.”
Peter comes very drunk home late at night.
He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
“No”, she replies sleepily.
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”
A man well into his seventies asks his wife:
“Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?”
“Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary,
“our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!”
The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me?
Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic.
When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda.
The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn’t eat the sandwiches until he got back.
A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,
“oh, come on, let’s eat the sandwiches.”
Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, “If you do, I won’t go!”
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”
The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”