Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?”

Wife: “I couldn’t lift the table.”


“What did one ghost say to another?”

“Do you believe in people?”


My friend has a fine watch dog.

At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.


They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.


“Room Service? Can you send up a towel?”

“Please wait someone else is using it.”


When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.


“Where did you get those big eyes?”

“They came with the face.”


I went alone on our honeymoon.

My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.


But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot.

I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid.

Now I answer it whether it rings or not.


It was love at first sight.

Then I took a second look !!


“Look, guide, here are some lion tracks.”

“Good. You see where they go and I’ll find out where they came from.”


“Do you think I”ll lose my looks as I get older?”

“Yes if you’re lucky.”


A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.


“Has there been any insanity in your family?”

“Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he’s the boss.”


I was thinking of becoming a doctor.

I have the handwriting for it.


“My wife doesn’t know what she wants.”

“You’re lucky. My wife does.”


We have a quiet home life.

I don’t speak to her and she doesn’t speak to me.


“What do use for washing dishes?”

“Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best.”


“Why don’t you give your husband a divorce?”

“What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?”


“Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?”

“I ought to be able to. I’ve had 12 different jobs in four months.”


My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.


My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.


My wife told me sex is better on holiday…

that wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.


Ain’t it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.


I’ll change my facebook username to NOBODY,

So that way when people post crappy posts,

and I press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this.


You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.


Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?


The word “Boob” is the Perfect word. The B looks like a top view of them, the 2 Os look like a front view, and the b looks like a side view. perfectly engineered!


Daughter: Mommy, what’s it like to have the most awesome daughter in the world?

Mother: I don’t know, ask your grandmother.


You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.


Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their but with an IPad.


A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


Life is a lot like toilet paper. You’re either on a roll….. or you’re taking shit from some asshole.


Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.


One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if i could help her check her balance… so i pushed her over.


I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.


What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.


A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.


What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.


What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s?

You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.


Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.


My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…


Man: I want to share everything with you.

Woman: Let’s start from your bank account.


Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.


What’s the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.


Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?


If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are… you have small boobs.


Dentists make money off of people with bad teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?


Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, “I’m what happened in Vegas.”


I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

Fucking b*tch.


Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.


If a quiz is quizzical, then what does that make a test?


The awkward moment when you mispronounce organism in science class.


After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.