A man speaks frantically into the phone,

“My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results.

They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE?

What’s the very bad news?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”

“Yes, of course…”

“Great! I never could before!”

A man goes to the eye doctor.

The receptionist asks him why he is there.

The man complains, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”

The receptionist asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor?”

and the man replies, “No, just spots.”

“Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.”

“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”

“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”

“Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”

“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”

“Yes, of course…”

“Great! I never could before!”

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

“What took you so long to answer?”

“I was in bed.”

“What were you doing in bed this late?”

“Getting a second opinion.”

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill.

After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.

“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.

“10…” says the doctor.

“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.


A man walks into a doctor’s office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.

“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.

“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor,

“be a little more specific.”

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”

Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis,

“You have a broken finger.”

“Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia?

I’ve heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.”

“Don’t worry, it won’t happen to me.

If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only.”

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man,

“Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”

“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”

“I know,” said the doctor, “I can cure pneumonia.”

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.

The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”

He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”

The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”

He says, “Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!”

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”

1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”

1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”

1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”

1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”

2020 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house.

He called a plumber.

The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed,

“This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.”

The plumber quietly answered,

“Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

The seven-year old girl told her mom,

“A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed.

“What happened, honey?”

“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”

“And did he?”

“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”

A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said,

“Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better.”

The voice on the other end of the line said,

“What is the patient’s name and room number?”

She said, “Yes, darling! She’s Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.”

He said, “Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.

In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she’s going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday.”

The woman said,

“Thank God! That’s wonderful! Oh! That’s fantastic! That’s wonderful news!”

The man on the phone said,

“From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!”

She said, “I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn’t tell me a word!”

Patient to the eye doctor:

“Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.”

“Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking.”

A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams,

“I found my dog unconscious and I can’t wake him — do something.”

The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says,

“I’m sorry, I don’t feel a pulse, I’m afraid your dog is dead”.

The lady can’t accept this and says,

“No, no, he can’t be dead — do something else.”

The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat.

The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe.

It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves.

“Well, that confirms it,” the vet says, “your dog is dead.”

The lady is very upset but finally settles down.

“Okay, I guess you’re right. How much do I owe you?”

The vet says, “That will be $340.”

The lady has a fit and asks,

“Why is it so much? After all the vet didn’t do anything for the dog.”

“Well”, the vet replied,

“it’s $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!”

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep.

The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man.

A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup.

The doctor asks him “How are you feeling?”

The man replies “Not BAAAAD!”

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?

One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery:


Has anyone seen my watch?

That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Well this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie

If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.

Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again…

Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ’em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.

I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Steril, shcmeril. The floor’s clean, right?

What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!

What do you mean, he’s not insured?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean “You want a divorce”!

I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.

Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss “Bay Watch”

That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?

Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still moving.

Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?

Of course I’ve performed this operation before, Nurse!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.

Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands.

Once she comes back they go for it.

After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”.

She confirms and asks how he knew.

“Easy, you’re always washing your hands.”

She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”

Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?”

Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing.”

A psychiatrist gives me some pills and says,

‘Take these and you’ll feel much better.’

I reply

‘But there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s the rest of the world!’

He says

‘Yes, I know, but it’s easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.’

Funny Doctors’ Notes (These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS (National Health Service) Greater Glasgow, Scotland)

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day, it disappeared.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

Doctor, doctor, I’ve lost my memory!

– When did you lose it?

When did I lose what?

Doctor, doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound!

Try answering the phone!

Doctor, doctor, what did the X-ray of my head show?


Doctor, doctor, I feel like I’m turning into a bear!

– How long have you felt this way?

Ever since I was a cub!

Doctor, doctor, everyone thinks I’m a liar!

I just can’t believe that!

Doctor, doctor, I think I need glasses!

I think so too-this is a candy store!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a hundred-dollar bill!

Go to the store-change would do you good!

Doctor, doctor, I broke my leg in four places!

Well, don’t go back to any of them!

Doctor, doctor, I have this feeling that I’m invisible!

Did I hear a voice?

Doctor, doctor, I’ve had a stomachache since I ate that cheese.

– Did it smell funny when you unwrapped it?

I was supposed to unwrap it?

Doctor, doctor, I’ve swallowed my pen!

Well then, start using a pencil!

Doctor, doctor, will I be able to swim after this operation?

– Yes!

Great, I never could before!

Doctor, doctor, whenever I drink juice I get a pain in my eye!

Try taking the straw out of the glass!

Doctor, doctor, I think I’ve turned into a dog!

– Please sit down on this chair and tell me about it.

I can’t, I’m not allowed on the furniture!

A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says:

“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.”

Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?

Answer: Only if you aim it well enough.

A woman goes into labor with her child.

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father.

He asks if it is ok to use the new device.

The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%.

The man feels nothing.

They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing.

They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%.

The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.

He says to the first one

“You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny”

He says to the second one

“You are addicted to food, you named you daughter Candy”

Then the third one whispers to her son

“Come on Dick, lets go.”

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said:

“You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied:

“Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said:

“I didn’t say that. I said, You’ve got a heart murmur – be careful.”

“Doctor doctor; I only got sixty seconds to live …”

“Can you wait there for a minute please!”

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said:

“Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied,

“Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said:

“Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,”

the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man.

“Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says,

“I have something to tell you about your child …”

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says,

“What’s wrong with it?”

The doctor says,

“There’s nothing really wrong with it, it’s just a little different! It’s a hermaphrodite.”

The woman looks confused.

“A hermaphrodite, what’s that?”

The doctor replies,

“It has both features of a male and a female.”

The woman looks relieved.

“What? You mean it has a penis and a brain?”

Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.

Doctor: “How did such a thing happen?”

Johnny: “It’s that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp.”

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

A woman says to the dentist

“I don’t know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby.”

The dentist says “Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!”

Doc says, “Joe, I got some bad news for you. You’ve got six months to live.”

Joe says, “Six months? Doc, I can’t pay your bill in six months, I can’t do it!”

Doc says, “OK, I give you a year…”

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.

I did that and I feel much better but I’m wondering… do I keep the letters?

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”

God answered, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

“I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the car?”

God replied, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you.”