A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no,no!” said the man.
“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” she asks.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?”
said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?”
inquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student,
“but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
“Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied,
“Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will three times!”
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
“Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life.”
Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment,then said,
“So, why is the groom wearing black?”
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine’s Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband,
“I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day! What do you think it means?”
With certainty in his voice, the man said,
“You’ll know tonight.”
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife.
With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled,…
“The meaning of Dreams”.
Two blondes were in a bar watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said Betty.
“Bet you $10 he won’t,” replied Amber.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second blonde hands the first her money.
“I can’t take your money,” said Betty.
“I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said Amber.
“I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending.
“Mom, I think I’m going to throw up!”
She told him, “I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you.”
So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door.
Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom.
He had the look of obvious relief on his young face.
“Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?”
“I didn’t have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK.”
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family’s pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Johnny said,
“Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?”
His father thinking quickly said,
“Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”
“Gee Dad that’s great,” said Little Johnny.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling,
“Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!”
“What do you mean?” said Dad.
“Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,
“Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming”
If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”
A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
The went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”
The guy smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends.”