Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: “This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.”
Wife replies: “I think you’ll find that is a sheep.”
Man replies: “I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.”
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, “What are you doing?”
She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, and a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
“You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation,
but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said,
“Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cos you’re ugly.”
Ed was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really upset.
She told him “Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE.”
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box giftwrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.