Tag: Best Jokes
Husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing...
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. About five-feet four.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never really noticed, brown or green.
Sergeant: Colour of hair?
Husband: Changes a...
A 60 year old Arab man lived in New York.
He loved to plant potatoes in his garden.
But he was alone, old and weak.
His son was in jail, so the old man sent him a letter.
He explained his problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I'm sure if you were here, you would...
Four friends were so confident that the weekend before final exams, they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends up there.
However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to college until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final exam then, exhausted and unprepared, they decided to wait until...
In a court trial in a small town in Nebraska, the prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand.
He walked up to her and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know who I am?"
She answered, "Of course I know who you are, Mr. Rawley.
I've known you since you were a little boy, and honestly, you're a disappointment.
You...
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the...
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
"It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really...
A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.
When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that...
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.
Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk...
While walking down the street one day, a presidential candidate is tragically hit by a car and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high-ranking official around these parts, you see, so we're...
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer." the father says.
"We're...
A woman and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The woman, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy...
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money.
I...
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can...
A guy and his wife went to an expensive golf course.
He said to his wife, "Be careful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window."
His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house.
He said, "Oh no! We had better go ask how much it's...
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and...
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher..
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illgally grown drgs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal...
A man is talking to the family doctor
"Doc, I think my wife is going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing.
Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question.
If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again.
Keep repeating this until she answers.
Then you'll be able to tell...
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that – get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He...
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even...
A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to capture photos of the fall foliage.
It was a beautiful day: fall colors, birds chirping, a babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.
While snapping shots, the photographer heard a noise behind him and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the...
Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, "Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me...
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer said. "This is a special day for me; I am celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I am...
A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant, so they go to see a priest for advice.
The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises.
Time...
The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies."
He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies?
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
Now about 80% held up their hands.
He then repeated his question once more.
All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Johnson that is...
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."
As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.
His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to...
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying:
"That would be rude and impolite. What about you...
A 60-year-old millionaire was getting married and threw a big wedding reception.
The big day arrived, and he got married to his stunning 23-year-old bride in the vast garden of his 50,000-square-foot mansion.
Champagne was flowing and an enormous team of waiters was flitting about serving the finest hors-d'oeuvres in the land.
Naturally, the millionaire’s less wealthy friends couldn’t help but feel...
