Tag: Hilarious Jokes
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.
After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.
One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
(H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the...
A woman (mom) was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night,
when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes,
and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not...
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers:
"Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says:
"An Italian girl,...!!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport...
A woman comes home and tells her husband,
"Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?"
the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,...
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not...
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it,
and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example First,
"My dad is a farmer and we have chickens.
One Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in...
Joke Title: This Is The Maid
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid," says the man.
The woman says,
"I was hired this morning by the woman of the house."
The man says,
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies,...
"She is upstairs in...
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. The young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring...
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers.
There weren't as many violators this day as usual.
The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the...
Joke Title: The Washcloth
This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
This is a real incident, and no its not me so ignore the I's and me's.
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call...
A crusty old age biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $1000
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment,
he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
"Yes?"...
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began...
Joke Title: How Old Am I?
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says,
"Bartender, this crap is...
The Maid asked for a pay raise.
Madam was very upset about this and asked:
"Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I...
There were Two Nuns.
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical....
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins? "
Priest: "What kind...
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her,
took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher...
Bob was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,..
So he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished,
Mary asked: "How much for the teapot?"
Carl replied:...
There was a World wide survey of "Most Embarrassing Moment in human life"
the finale had the following three incidents...
Third Place
"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday.
I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay in bed after making love, we...
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.
"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears,
"I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down.
I haven't had...
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her.
Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin...
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gentleman suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained,
"I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said,
"Well, you've probably been overdoing the...
Joke Title: Trading Place
Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church.
One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation.
He took Charlie aside and questioned him.
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.
The priest questioned him again and again...
There was a loser who couldn't get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because...
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars.
Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.
The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were...
A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.
"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?
"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How...
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital,
And she timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator responded,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied,
"Let me place you on hold while I check...
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.
This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place,
Since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to...
