Tag: Laughing Jokes
There was a good old barber in Town.
One day a florist goes to him for a haircut.
After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:
"I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service."
Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop,...
Dorothy was very upset because her husband Albert had just passed away.
She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.
One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her.
Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it...
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.
"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem....
Once, there was a bear and a rabbit and they hated each other.
The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a magical talking tree.
The tree said: "I will grant you 3 wishes a piece if you will stop fighting!"
So the bear went first. "I wish all the bears in the forest are females."
And all the bears in the forest turned...
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.
After his talk, he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asked: "What is your name?"
Boy: "Bob."
George: "And what is your question, Bob?"
Bob: "I have 3 questions."
"First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?"
"Second, why are you president when...
Joke Title: A to Z...!!
An airplane is flying over the United States at night.
The pilot says:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggage must be thrown out."
A little later, the pilot says:
"We're still losing altitude, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin".
The plane continues its descent despite more things being thrown out.
Pilot:...
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife.
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video.
They sat down together to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the...
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the...
Joke Title: Acquainted
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus.
A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors.
She tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight.
So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little.
She tried to step up onto the...
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says,
"Who told you that drinking is bad?"
Nun : Mother Superior told me.
Man : So, have you ever tried it?
Nun : No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor.
Man : Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it.
I'll tell you...
Judi tried to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on the odometer.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon.
Her friend told her,
"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi,
"I...
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took...
A man is walking home through a park one night after a fancy dress party.
While he is walking home he feels the need to shit so he crouches down on the grass and does his business.
Just as he is finishing he sees a policeman walking towards him.
He covers the shit with his hat.
When the policeman arrives he asks the...
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You...
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.
"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old.
"When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing' comes...
One American Couple went to Africa for their Honeymoon.
While walking on the countryside they saw one beautiful lake.
There was one little boy standing and enjoying the atmosphere on the bank.
They asked him whether there are any sharks in the lake.
He said: "No".
They jumped in the lake but after few minutes they got suspicious.
They came back and asked the boy,...
"Are...
Joke Title: Cough It Up
A dad walks into a market with his young son.
The kid is holding One money coin.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a Tea...
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars.
Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.
The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were...
Joke Title: What is the most damaging food?
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,...
Years ago, Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous,...
And none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the...
The Maid asked for a pay raise.
Madam was very upset about this and asked:
"Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I...
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $1000
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment,
he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she...
Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Johnny's mother asked him if he...
A blonde named Anna had a near death experience.
The other day when she went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control.
She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup.
When this happened, she fell head first...
The old farmer had a large pond in the back,..
fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He hadn't been there for a...
There was a loser who couldn't get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because...
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies.
"It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering...
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party...
